Why and How Women
Control the Rules of the Game

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog entitled ”5 Reasons Why Women Have All The Power (And Don’t Even Know It)” and I received comments asking for specifics on how to flex this power. This was particularly true my statement that  women needed to “demand chivalry.”

Since we are in the thick of football season, I thought what better way to get across how much power women have by breaking it down in terms of professional football.

If mating was a football game, the men would be the players. Men train their whole lives for it. They work out rigorously, try to learn from the best, read books, study movies and other successful masters, and then they hone their new skills day in and day out. They crash. They burn. Many times, they don’t score. Sometimes, they show up to the stadium and never even able get a ticket to go inside.

But here is the sticking point: women aren’t the opponent. The woman’s role in this metaphor is much bigger. Men can always think of ways to score on the opponent, but scoring is useless if one commits penalties along the way and is thrown out of the game. No, women are not the opponents but rather the REFEREES of the game. Women determine what men can and cannot do, what men can get away with, and how men should play the game to get to that coveted end zone. The woman’s rules determine whether it is going to be a quick 2 minute drill, a casual scrimmage, or a well organized, nationally televised, professional event that could lead to the Super Bowl.

Men really don’t care what the format or the rules are, they just want to play. Men’s bodies are geared to run and gun and find every way there is to put points on the board. They don’t care if it is a night game, day game, doubleheader, rivalry, whatever…just as long as they can play ball. What holds men in check and guides their play are the standards & rules of the stadium. The plot thickens since women are not only the refs, but the owners and the commissioner as well. Women not only enforce the rules, but create them, and determine if men are allowed to even try to play the game. Sounds like a lot of power, right?

If there was a person in the NFL who was the commissioner, the owner, and the ref, it would be unfair and likely disallowed…

Well, that is the power you as women have in this game, but hundreds of years of bad media and a male dominated press core have made women believe that they are only the opposing team in need of male playmakers. Here is the truth: women do determine all the rules of mating. Men come to ladies’ doorsteps day in and day out. Sometimes it is just for fun, sometimes it is just for sex, and sometimes it is for a relationship. However, no matter what, men get none of it unless the woman approves. The men either abide by those rules or try to find another game in town.

However, if there are NO rules set, then it is like Madden 2012 on the PS3, and men are like Tom Brady throwing 85 yard bombs all day with no concern of right and wrong. Furthermore, if the rules are just randomly talked about as the dating progresses, then confusion sets in.

For instance, if a woman likes a man to be on time and to take the lead during the dating process, but doesn’t mention this until it is two months deep, then there are going to be red flags thrown all over the field.
If you are a woman who prefers to only date one person at a time and wants your man to be of the same mindset, get that message out in the beginning and be prepared to walk away if he wants to date openly. Then he can decide which direction to go in.

There are, of course, direct and indirect ways to go about setting standards, and many times, the indirect way works the best. For instance, saying, “You know, I only date one person at a time so if this is going to continue, you need to be only dating me,” might scare the guy away. However, if you say, “I’m a kind of girl who likes to date one person at a time and I enjoy when the man does that as well,” then he can choose to reciprocate and feel like he made the decision to honor you.

The truth of the matter is that when you are looking for BF material, just stick to your standards and you will find that quality guy. When a guy is ready to stop running around town like an unrestricted free agent and commit to a relationship, he will first and foremost look for a woman who upholds her values and is not afraid to stick to them. He has played so many games by that point, many with no rule books at all, that the woman who pleasantly presents her rule book reflects class, elegance, and respect (Please feel free to email me for a little more detail on “Pleasantly Presenting you Rule Book”).

So if you are done with your own free agency and are ready to build a solid team; first, gain clarity in your values and non-negotiables, and then don’t be afraid to mention and stick to them once dating starts. If he doesn’t approve of them, then you have opposing dating goals and it is not the right match.

Happy playing out there and thank you for humoring me on this endless pro football metaphor.

Seize the Date,


  1. It’s a sad commentary on our crurent sociopolitical climate that simple courtesy is seen as an insult, but very typical of American extremism. As a culture, we seem to alwys be darting from one end of any spectrum to another, with barely a glance at the center wherein our best interest usually lies.Coming from the West, I’ve experienced the same kind of courtesies (CHIVALRY) often extended in the South, and I don’t view them as limiting or judging my abilities at all. Despite the historical context, they have come to signify respect (when practiced as such). I extend similar respect to men.At it’s core, this is another manifestation of the crurent mania for the denigration and marginalization of men in our culture. A very vocal fringe has taken the message of equality’ to mean superiority of women’, and I find that sad. My sons are growing up in a climate which increasingly finds them and their differences from women (because I enjoy those differences and don’t discourage them) laughable at best and threatening at worst. My daughters are being encultured to believe that men are an annoying necessity IF they intend to have kids, but unimportant otherwise. These are messages that my husband and I fight daily, hoping that the examples we set, two secure, loving, EQUAL partners (where it’s possible, and accepting of inequality when it’s not), will be enough to give them the tools to resist the barrage of truly denigrating messages in our society: Women are right, whatever they choose to do. Men are animals. Commitment is impossible.Teaching chivalry, acting chivalrous, and accepting chivalry with grace are important lessons that MIGHT help swing us back to sanity.(EEP! Sorry for my long-windedness.)

    Comment by Fabien on March 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm


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