Why Does He Disappear?

The hottest topic on most dating blogs usually involves the disappearance of men during the dating process. Why do they disappear after the first date? After the third date? After the third month?

For the sake of space, let’s focus on the first few dates. Maybe you have been there…had an incredible date: conversation was stimulating, laughs were shared, and an electric kiss at the end of the night. Maybe he follows up with a text once he gets home and then…

Crickets. Nada. No phone, no text…nothing.

What gives?

Well…sometimes there can be a disconnect between the interpretation of the date. What seems to be a wonderful night on the town to the woman can be a one and done experience for the man. Before I jump into this, let me preface this blog by saying that the following ideas can applied towards either gender. For the sake of this blog, though, I will focus on the man’s interpretation of the date, more specifically her approach to the date. But again, EITHER gender can slip into the following 4 Red Flag Scenarios.

The Interview

You have had your fair share of dating duds that turned out not to be the best catch a few months in, so you want to do a better job making sure the next guy embodies your non-negotiables. However, there is a conversational and fun way to gather this info that removes any sense of AN INTERVIEW. When a man senses that the woman across from him is acting more like Monster.com as opposed to Match.com, he immediately shuts down inside and loses interest. Most men will agree that the only woman in their life who is capable of inquiring about their values and plan in life is their mother. Yes, definitely ask questions to learn more about him and his ambitions, but how can you do it in a way that sounds less like: “I am inspecting you to see if you make the cut” and more like: “You seem like an amazing catch and I want to learn more about you.” The second choice will get him to open up more, create more opportunities for stimulating conversation, and help you learn all you need to know.

All Business No Play

The two of you might be coming to the date with a whole day’s work behind you. Once you arrive, the intention should be to hang up all the seriousness of work and let go to an evening of FUN. The night should be filled with laughter, teasing, giggling, fun, sarcasm, and flirting. However, if you go into the date in INTERVIEW mode or with your SERIOUS hat on, you might as well mix skunk spray into your perfume, just to speed up the inevitable. Here’s the deal, nine out ten men will rank “Someone to Laugh With” in their Top 3 wants in partnership. However, the opportunity for this laughter is defeated when the INTERVIEW is in effect. Most men spend their days swinging away at the office, competing with the world. What drives men giddy, is when they can throw all that heady competitive energy out the window and laugh the night away with a fun loving, light hearted woman. If he feels like he stepping back into the rigidity or inquisition of the work day, he will lose gusto and attraction.

WHY SO SERIOUS?

There is a temptation to reveal a little too much on the first few dates. Remember…first few date=FUN. First few dates are not about the surgery you once had, the brokenness of your childhood, or the loss of a loved one. Do we bring our authentic self to the date? YES. Is there a time and place to reveal our whole life story? YES. Are the first few dates the time or place to open up about our own rough patches? Probably not. I don’t like rules, but let’s allow lightness, fun, and boundaries to rule the evening.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Where do you thrive? What excites you? What stimulates engagement?

Many times we set ourselves up for a bad date by walking into locations or situations where we know we are not at our best. If he wants catch a drink at a bar and you despise the bar scene but you adore a good coffee shop, let him know. If the great outdoors puts a huge smile on your face and he asks what you like to do, make the suggestion. Or…if he suggests sushi and you never have had it, how can you go into the night excited to try something new and let him know that this is a whole new world for you? He will love your sense of adventure and FUN and will enjoy being your guide to the experience.

Also, sometimes we can spice up the simplest locations. For instance, if you are a coffee date kind of girl: how about a coffee shop that has board games so you two can jump into some fun competition. If you head outdoors, how about jumping on bikes and cruise around your favorite preserve? Remember…FUN reveals more, not the Interview. The valuable 3 C’s (Chemistry, Compatibility, and Communication) are revealed much faster through a good time, as opposed to a planned questionnaire.

HE MAKES THE BEST OF THE INTERVIEW

Even if the guy senses the interview, he will usually still be a gentleman and enjoy the date as much as possible. Maybe he might be turned off, but realizes that you two have the night together so he aims to enjoy the evening as much as possible-maybe even steal a kiss at the end of the night. However, once home, if the rigidity and business of the date stick out the most, he probably won’t call again.

I repeat the above disclaimer that these ideas can be applied to either gender. However, as a woman, ask yourself if you might slip into Interview mode from time to time. Ask yourself how you can bring your most inviting and fun energy to the next date. Keep it light, keep in fun, and odds are: you will learn and gain faster what you are seeking.

Seize the Date,

Christian

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